A DIY Guide For Asylum Seekers
Boy, it’s hard to escape from violent, tyrannical regimes into Britain today, isn’t it? Razor-wire fences and vicious guard dogs patrolling the entrance to the Channel Tunnel, and poorly ventilated lorries causing no end of problems for those favouring the ferries have made it harder than ever before for genuine refugees to sneak into Europe’s richest, most luxurious country and make a valid claim for political asylum.
With this in mind, Untitled Document are pleased to present this guide to re-creating the look and feel of this green and pleasant land anywhere in the world*.
Mansions can be built relatively cheaply, and you could easily have a 40-bedroom stately home every bit as nice as the ones that everyone in Kent has. All you will need is a spade, a couple of hundred thousand bricks and a tonne or so of cement. Using the spade, dig a hole the size and shape you want your mansion to be (looking down from above). Make the hole about 12 feet deep. Now, starting at the bottom of the hole, use the cement to stick the bricks together until they form the shape of a house, but much bigger. Congratulations! You’ve just built your very own British mansion†!
This one’s easy – just cut out some rectangles of paper and write amounts of money on them with coloured felt-tip pens. For the real authenticity-seekers, the colours to use are: light blue for £5 notes, light brown for £10, purple for £20 and orange for those lovely £50s. Keep at it – within a few days you’ll have a bigger stack of cash than the Duchess of Perivale!
What’s that you say? Your newly drawn money has no financial value? Of course not! Currency is completely worthless in Britain, as we are an enlightened society and have abolished money altogether, so everything is free‡!
On a summer’s evening, there’s nothing we traditional Britons like better than having a few cold beers, getting high on any one of hundreds of free and legal drugs**, building a massive bonfire and throwing a family of gypsies on it. Combining as it does a sense of bonding between neighbours with a genuinely fun method of ethnic cleansing, this quintessentially British past-time is enjoyed by young and old alike. Why not have your own gypsy-burning party? Just make sure you use a good hardwood which has been allowed to dry well, and plump, well-fed gypsies which are freely available all over continental Europe††.
Huzzah (as we say in Cool Britannia)! All the joy and wonder of being a genuine asylum seeker in Britain, without having to drag yourself hundreds of miles across the other free, democratic countries between your politically unstable, poverty-ridden homeland and Calais.