Apology – You

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to you, and to assure all our readers that you’re not hiding in the bushes outside their homes waiting for them to turn their backs for one second so you can steal bras from their washing lines. This information, which we have since discovered to be false, was provided to us by your best friend, because he thought it was funny and hadn’t considered that your whole life may come crashing down as a result. Rest assured that we have sent copies of this apology to the police who arrested you, and that you should be out by the weekend.

Once again, we apologise unreservedly to you, your family, and your employers for any distress or missed deadlines our error may have caused.