To listen to the managing director of Merton Abbey Systems Ltd, a small company in the South West of London, bang on about it, anyone would think he ran a multinational corporation or something, staff reported on Monday.

Paul Ridger, 42, started out in 1996, supplying custom built PC systems to local businesses. Since then the total staff has risen to fourteen people, and the company has recently diversified into network installation and support. Ridger attributes this success to long-term strategy, planning, and investment in key technologies at precisely the critical moment, like he owned Cisco or something.
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Tony Blair’s latest innovation in government has been met with mixed reactions from senior ministers, Downing Street officials reported yesterday.

Under the new system, all cabinet members must remove their clothing, with the exception of socks, wristwatches and glasses, before attending their weekly meetings with the Prime Minister.
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A London stockbroker has blamed the collapse of several portfolios under his control on the loss of a spoon that he believes holds near-magical “lucky” properties.

Dermot Penhaligon, 29, looked for the stainless steel teaspoon in its usual place on Thursday morning, but could not find it. A quick survey of nearby colleagues revealed no further information about the cutlery’s whereabouts, and Penhaligon was forced to stir his Kenco Rappor coffee with an ordinary, common or garden, non-lucky spoon. He subsequently lost a total of £35 million for a variety of clients during that day’s trading.
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A recent Untitled Document article may have given some readers the impression that TV presenter Jamie Theakston routinely sets fire to Volvos. This allegation, we have subsequently discovered, has no basis in fact.

We therefore offer our sincerest apologies to Mr Theakston for any distress the article in question may have caused, and hope that he will find it in himself to forgive us, and maybe even send us his autograph.

Peter Mandelson, the former Northern Ireland Secretary who was forced to resign under a cloud last week following revelations of misconduct, has issued a public statement to the effect that he is innocent, and will find the real liar.

Mandelson was caught following a high-speed chase on the M1 involving up to fifteen Metropolitan police vehicles, including two helicopters. After crashing into the central reservation three miles south of Newport Pagnell services, the MP for Hartlepool offered Prime Minister Tony Blair his resignation, which was accepted.
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The common image of the bots in the massive multiplayer hit Quake 3: Arena is that of bloodthirsty, single-minded automatons hell-bent on destroying anything and everything that stands in their path. And yet the recent discovery by a player from Southend-on-Sea of a diary kept by one such bot, known as Sarge, may cast new light on these misunderstood individuals…
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A group of scientists from Cambridge University have announced that despite their combined 38 years of research into the subject, they are still no closer to understanding the process by which women are taken out and shown a good time.

The shock revelation comes following the latest in what was described as ‘a long line’ of failed experiments, which was conducted by the team’s youngest member, Roland Liddell. Although high hopes were privately harboured by all concerned, the date yielded no conclusive results whatsoever, according to the 29-year-old organic chemist.
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As part of the UK Meteorological Office’s ongoing rebranding exercise, which aims to give weather forecasting and statistics a bright new image, Radio One rap DJ Tim Westwood lent his inimitable style to The Shipping Forecast yesterday.

The Shipping Forecast, familiar to almost everyone living in Britain, has until now been a dry list of wind directions and speeds, recited in a flat monotone. Met Office officials blame this for the show’s poor ratings and negative customer feedback.
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# /cgi-bin/formnews/subvars.pl
# ERROR: -412 [notfound]
# FILE "/ud/oscartip/tomhanks/castaway.var" does not exist or is inaccessible

Hollywood insiders have tipped veteran actor Tom Hanks for the Academy Award for Best Actor, for his role in the smash hit film ${FILM}. The picture, which has received universal acclaim from critics, stars Hanks as a ${ROLESUMMARY} who finds himself ${PLOTSUMMARY}.
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Conservative leader William Hague has called for the upcoming General Election to be conducted in a manner similar to last year’s United States Presidential race, in the hopes that a similar travesty of democracy will result. Hague, 27, who first came to the public eye in 1976 when he addressed the Tory Party conference at the tender age of three, claims that a political process based on sensationalist debates and endorsements from celebrities is necessary to ‘drag Britain kicking and screaming into the 21st century.’
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