Following several months of negotiations and a review by the Monopolies Commission, fast-food multinational McDonalds finalised their purchase of the entire world reserve of happiness yesterday afternoon.

A spokesman for the chain welcomed the deal, saying: “We at McDonalds have long been associated with happiness, and this new accord between the world’s favourite burger vendor and everyone’s favourite emotion serves only to strengthen our relationship.”
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Feast Day

Today is the feast day of St Julian of Torrijo, a 14th century Spanish hermit who occasionally descended from his hilltop retreat to speak out against the oppression of the locals by their grandparents. He left a series of documents in a safety deposit box which were later released in error to Leonardo da Vinci, who never told anyone what was written in them, but increased his consumption of shellfish at around the same time. St Julian was put to death by burning shortly before his 50th birthday, ostensibly for preaching the gospel while wearing nothing but his socks, although this was not technically prohibited.
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Last Friday, Tony Blair made history by returning to Buckingham Palace for a second time to formalise the new Labour-led Parliament with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. But what exactly happens during this ceremony? Untitled Document are proud to present, for the first time ever, this detailed breakdown of the procedure:
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The General Election on Thursday may possibly provide as many as one in three Britons with a sense of control over the way in which their home country is run, a poll conducted for TV Quick magazine has revealed.

Of over three hundred people interviewed outside the Eastbourne branch of Pizza Hut, a total of 102 said they believed that their vote would make a difference to the future of British government, and would ultimately result in their interests being better represented in the Houses Of Parliament. A further eleven percent said they thought that they could maybe make a small difference by voting, but that they weren’t going to.
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Round-up of the new cinema releases: Battle Of Hastings; Samuel Pepys Diary; and French masterpiece Mal Chance.
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Cricket was invented in the fourth century BC by the Greek philosopher Plato, who believed that by defending three upright sticks from disturbance by a hard red ball, one could achieve true enlightenment. He abandoned the game upon discovering that this was not, in fact, true, but it was adopted by the next-door neighbour’s children and grew in popularity.
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The two men who robbed a small Post Office in the village of Goddenden, Kent, last Thursday may have thought the heist would be easy. And they were right.

For local gent Arthur Beattie, 82, wasn’t about to stand by and let the two masked criminals waltz off with his and his peers’ pension money without putting up a fight. Despite being short of breath and suffering from painful back problems, he stepped in and challenged the desperadoes as they tried to make their getaway, forcing them to beat him round the head with a baseball bat and kick him into unconsciousness before being on their way.
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Bank holiday’s were introduced to Britain in 1169 by the then King, Henry the Second. However, they didn’t really take off until the late 15th century, when banks were invented.
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Manufactured pop group Hear’Say are miming to pre-recorded answers during interviews, Untitled Document can reveal.

Although the five winners of the ITV audition/gameshow hybrid are able to sing live, record company executives are said to be unhappy with their interview technique, and have requested that they merely open and close their mouths in response to questions, while a tape recording of actors providing pre-arranged answers is played.
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The much put-upon Foreign Office Minister Keith Vaz has issued a formal denial of everything ever, in alphabetical order.

Mr Vaz’s press office made the comprehensive document, which weighs in at somewhere over 30,000 closely typed pages, available to the media and other interested parties yesterday, as a pre-emptive move against any further allegations from tabloid newspapers and the Tory Party.
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