Hello Sherri,

I hope this is your email. I received some inside information from Garry Lompard (General Instruments INC). Buy CRSVF.

CRSVF is going to explode. Don’t tell anybody about this opportunity.

Alert: Tuesday, September 19, 2006

________________________________
Company: CAPITAL RES CANADA LTD
Ticker: CRSVF
Current Price: $0.25
Target Price: $2.42
Recommendation: STRONG-BUY

Buy: “STRONG”

Expectations: Max
________________________________

When this Stock moves - WATCH OUT! This is your chance to get in the low. Out CRSVF on your radar’s now and reap the benefits early.

John, you can also look the latest news for CRSVF. Don’t invest more then 100000$ at once. Better invest 10000$ each trading day. After first day you will see a significant increasement of the stock price and volume.

Don’t waste that opportunity. Make a right decision now. I can spell the stock symbol for you. C R S V F

Waiting for your response

Sincerely,
Bob Gillahan

This is excellent spam. They start out with the highly credible claim that they’ve just slightly mis-spelled the e-mail address of somebody called Sherri — and why shouldn’t Sherri have an address which is only a slight typo away from mark.rendle@thecompanyiworkfor.com? Then they name-check Garry Lompard, whom I’ve never heard of, but I have no reason to doubt he is anything but an expert in his field, which appears to be something to do with instruments. Any inside information he’s giving out is bound to be good.

I was a bit fuzzy on the next bit, where they tell me to buy stock in a company which is going to explode, until I realised they meant “explode” in the “become extremely valuable on the public stock exchange” sense and not the “burst violently as a result of internal pressure” sense.

But then they really draw me into their web, by telling me not to tell anybody about this opportunity. Up to that point, I may have suspected that a copy of this e-mail was being sent to upwards of a million people, but now I know it’s just for this Sherri person. I feel kind of bad for her, missing out on this, but probably next time Bob sends her a stock tip he’ll get the address right, so she’ll be OK in the end.

I don’t know what “Out CRSVF on your radar’s now” means. It’s probably some sort of stock market technical jargon or something. I expect if I phoned my broker, or if I got myself a broker and then phoned him and told him to out CRSVF on my radar’s, he’d know what to do.

Sherri appears to know somebody called John who might read her e-mail, or she might pass the message on. Or maybe Sherri is John, except for weekends and special evenings, and Bob knows him/her from a particular club or something.

The precise investment advice is very nice, too. It’s probably because this is technically insider trading, so any unusual activity on the market will be noticed, and could get Bob and Garry in trouble. Maybe even me, if this e-mail could be tracked, although I could use the fact that I’m not a transvestite called John/Sherri as plausible denial.

I don’t think I will respond to Bob, though, just in case. There might not be that much stock in CRSVF to go round; I don’t want to share it with John/Sherri. He’d only spend the increasement on makeup and rubber breasts anyway.

I am currently importing all the old Untitled Document articles into the database. When I’ve done that, I’ll probably write some new ones, although hopefully less of the third-rate Onion rip-offs.

Feast Day

Today is the feast day of St Julian of Torrijo, a 14th century Spanish hermit who occasionally descended from his hilltop retreat to speak out against the oppression of the locals by their grandparents. He left a series of documents in a safety deposit box which were later released in error to Leonardo da Vinci, who never told anyone what was written in them, but increased his consumption of shellfish at around the same time. St Julian was put to death by burning shortly before his 50th birthday, ostensibly for preaching the gospel while wearing nothing but his socks, although this was not technically prohibited.
(more…)

Last Friday, Tony Blair made history by returning to Buckingham Palace for a second time to formalise the new Labour-led Parliament with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. But what exactly happens during this ceremony? Untitled Document are proud to present, for the first time ever, this detailed breakdown of the procedure:
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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and
no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack
a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and
no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack
a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no play makes
Jack a dull boy. All work and
no play makes Jack a dull
boy. All work and no
play makes Jack
a dull boy. All
work and no
play makes
Jack a
dull boy.
All
work
and
no
play
makes
Jack
a
dull
boy.

After centuries of difference, things moved towards an era of peace between chalk and cheese on Saturday, when both parties signed an agreement to cease hostilities forthwith. Representatives on both sides were optimistic about the development, saying that the terms of the agreement were acceptable to all parties.

Bolig Mehar of the United Nations, who has been in extensive negotiations with chalk and cheese for several months now, brokered the talks.
(more…)

The world of zoological psychology has been rocked to its foundations by the news that life for one sheep, at least, is a meaningless existential hell from which there is no release but death. Although the majority of sheep are phenomenally stupid, one has bucked the trend by wrestling with the possibility that there is no God, and that life essentially has no meaning or purpose.

The discovery was made by Shropshire farmer Alan Bayliss, who was shocked to find that his prize ewe Millie had scratched a lengthy dissertation regarding the importance of passionate individual action in deciding questions of both morality and truth on the floor of her shed.
(more…)

Black: Despite your pleasant, outgoing manner and innate generosity of spirit, people continue to suspect that you are directly related to Satan.

Blonde: See the dog. See him run. Run, dog, run!
(more…)