Traditional nuclear family The Morgans have put a succession of bizarre events that have befallen them since taking possession of their new home three weeks ago down to subsidence, faulty plumbing and general teething problems.

The incidents began on their second night in the house, when dad Len Morgan went down into the unlit basement with a torch to fetch an electric knife from an as-yet still packed tea chest. No sooner had he stepped off the rickety wooden stairs than the torch failed, and the door slammed shut, cutting off the ambient light from the kitchen, forcing him to fumble through the crates in darkness.
(more…)

A faux-cockney way of talking was implemented last week by a middle class person from Kent in an attempt to boost his credibility with his associates in Camden.

Marcus Waites, originally from the pleasant, cultured town of Tunbridge Wells, moved to a loft apartment in the trendy area at the start of August, to take up a position with advertising company Lake, Phillips and DuPont. But at first, he says, he was held back both professionally and socially by his crisp, precise speech and lack of colourful verbal tics.
(more…)

The M25 motorway has sensationally resigned after 25 years in service. The London Orbital made the announcement at a press conference convened on Monday evening, after thousands of motorists were delayed for up to three hours by what the road called its “inexcusably poor performance”.

The six-to-eight-lane, 118 mile stretch of tarmac, appearing emotional yet calm, was supported by officials from the Department Of Environment, Transport and The Regions (DETR) as it delivered its heartfelt address. Yet it denied that any outside party had influenced its actions.
(more…)

Representatives from the quaint village nestling in the foothills of the mountain have lashed out at the new self-assembly human from modular furniture specialists IKEA.

The kit, which allows would-be meddlers in the affairs of mankind to build creatures resembling people and breathe life into them with the supplied Lighting-Harness unit, is currently available from branches in Croydon, Neasden, Transylvania and Birmingham.
(more…)

The children starting school for the first time this September are unlikely to amount to much, worried teachers have announced. Many of the four- and five-year-olds entering British schools are illiterate, innumerate and, in some cases, do not possess full motor control.

Marie Baker, known to her young charges as ‘Miss’, expressed sincere doubts that the 26 children she is employed to educate will ever achieve status as useful members of society.

“I’ve been working with these kids for a week now, and so far, they have failed to grasp even the simplest of reading tasks, being unable to hold books the right way up and, in some cases, attempting to eat the pages. We’ve got sixteen short years in which to turn these pathetic idiots into doctors, lawyers or whatever, and some of them can’t even make it through a finger-painting lesson without soiling themselves,” she complained.
(more…)

Distressed workers at Lothian Systems, provider of accounting software to the mid-range corporate market, would be really grateful if Network Support Manager Gareth Reese would stop reciting Monty fucking Python sketches just for one day.

Colleagues estimate that Reese, an avid fan of the 1970’s surreal comedy show, subjects them to, on average, three full-blown sketches plus a variety of “quick-quotes” every single fucking day, for the love of God.
(more…)

A London woman claims she is being unreasonably forced to break her diet each lunchtime by the “stupid” pricing structure of the local sandwich shop.

Greggs Sandwiches, of Wimbledon, are currently running a “Lunchtime Special” where customers can purchase a bloomer sandwich, bottle of drink, and one of five types of doughnut, for only £2.25. Yet the sandwich and drink without the doughnut will cost customers £2.50.

“I mean, this really is just beyond ridiculous,” protested Tracy Fenchurch, 28, as she stuffed a Boston Crème into her mouth. (more…)

Once more the summertime fear has taken hold of the good people of Britain, as the large, mysterious buildings identified only as “schools” close down for six long, long weeks and spew forth small creatures known as “children” onto the high streets and by-streets of our towns and cities.

While in structure, these things resemble human beings, they are much smaller, and exhibit little or no signs of intelligence. They can often be observed in medium-to-large sized groups in shopping centres, clearly unfamiliar with the traditional activities carried out therein, such as the exchange of money for goods and services, and instead choosing to shout unintelligibly both at each other and at passers-by.
(more…)

In yet another crushing blow for publicly funded television programming, the BBC have lost the right to broadcast News. The revelation follows the announcement scant weeks ago that flagship football programme Match Of The Day could no longer afford to feature football, and will be used for other purposes, probably involving gardening.

News is one of the hottest properties in broadcasting today, second only to sport and programmes about interior design. It was in order to hold onto their lead in the latter that BBC chiefs made the decision to keep their bid for the rights to News within certain limits.
(more…)

The cut-and-thrust world of waiting in line is a highly competitive one, and those who fail to innovate are often left behind. Peter Greenfield, head queue designer at Alton Towers, knows this, and that is why he is especially proud of the new “Hex” queue at the Midlands theme park.

“Last year, we had no new queues at all,” says Greenfield. “Down at Chessington World Of Adventure they introduced the new Samurai queue, which was very innovative, so we knew we had to really pull out the stops this year.”
(more…)