A DIY Guide For Asylum Seekers

Boy, it’s hard to escape from violent, tyrannical regimes into Britain today, isn’t it? Razor-wire fences and vicious guard dogs patrolling the entrance to the Channel Tunnel, and poorly ventilated lorries causing no end of problems for those favouring the ferries have made it harder than ever before for genuine refugees to sneak into Europe’s richest, most luxurious country and make a valid claim for political asylum.

With this in mind, Untitled Document are pleased to present this guide to re-creating the look and feel of this green and pleasant land anywhere in the world*.
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For more than the hundredth time in as many years, the quiet south-western county of Cornwall has not been subjected to a terrifying barrage of seismic tremors causing unprecedented property damage and human tragedy.
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The two men who robbed a small Post Office in the village of Goddenden, Kent, last Thursday may have thought the heist would be easy. And they were right.

For local gent Arthur Beattie, 82, wasn’t about to stand by and let the two masked criminals waltz off with his and his peers’ pension money without putting up a fight. Despite being short of breath and suffering from painful back problems, he stepped in and challenged the desperadoes as they tried to make their getaway, forcing them to beat him round the head with a baseball bat and kick him into unconsciousness before being on their way.
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Edible animals across Britain are reeling today from the hideous and unforeseen results of their latest abattoir avoidance scam.

As hundreds of carcasses are piled into ditches and set on fire with kerosene, many are laying the blame squarely on the doorstep of heifer #904, a young Fresian based in Norfolk.
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Clothes shop manager Deidre Woolridge is seriously worried that she’s not anything-aholic, she has told friends recently.

Woolridge, 31, first voiced her worries to best friend Lorraine Hughes over Friday evening drinks in the local All Bar One. Hughes had just confessed to being something of a workaholic, having spent forty seven hours at her office that week.
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The laws governing use of the recreational drug cannabis are unlikely to be changed unless fans get their shit together and do something about it, a new report reveals.

The report, commissioned by a Commons Select Committee formed to look into a possible reform of what many regard as the draconian extant legislation, examined the activities of pro-legalisation campaigners over the past ten years and found them to be minimal at best.
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The people of Britain have come together to express their concern, and hunger, for the popular fish cod.

Having long been a favourite on dinner tables, cod numbers are at an all time low, and show little or no signs of recovering. And people have shown no hesitation in recommending that others cut their consumption in order that our children may enjoy fish suppers much as we do today.
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A floor-standing lamp purchased from the Kingston branch of John Lewis “completely changes” the Hennessy family’s living room, female family members agree.

The lamp, costing £189.95, was placed in the north-east corner of the room, beside the hi-fi system, late on Saturday afternoon, following a prolonged shopping trip in difficult conditions.
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A comfortable tunnel-like hall

A hoard of gold belonging to large red dragon Smaug was stolen yesterday following a nine hour quest through adverse conditions and hostile terrain.

The dragon was then brutally murdered by an arrow to the heart as he attempted to recover his property near the town of Dale.

The adventure began in a comfortable tunnel-like hall with a round, green door at one end, and a treasure chest. The thief, pausing only to open chest and get key, unlocked round green door, opened round green door and went north.
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As Britain prepares to enter its second week of intense flood reports, sudden newsflashes and extended weather forecasts, broadcasters admit they can see no end in sight to the unfolding real-life drama.

The unprecedented level of coverage has left millions of people reeling, as they try increasingly desperate measures to stem the tide of sensational reporting and evocative images that lash at them from their televisions.
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