Lady Thatcher, the former British Prime Minister and holder of the world handbag record, has unveiled the latest in a succession of robots that scary scientists have created to replace her and demanded that it be allowed late entry into the Tory leadership race.
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The General Election on Thursday may possibly provide as many as one in three Britons with a sense of control over the way in which their home country is run, a poll conducted for TV Quick magazine has revealed.

Of over three hundred people interviewed outside the Eastbourne branch of Pizza Hut, a total of 102 said they believed that their vote would make a difference to the future of British government, and would ultimately result in their interests being better represented in the Houses Of Parliament. A further eleven percent said they thought that they could maybe make a small difference by voting, but that they weren’t going to.
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The much put-upon Foreign Office Minister Keith Vaz has issued a formal denial of everything ever, in alphabetical order.

Mr Vaz’s press office made the comprehensive document, which weighs in at somewhere over 30,000 closely typed pages, available to the media and other interested parties yesterday, as a pre-emptive move against any further allegations from tabloid newspapers and the Tory Party.
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The Greater London Authority has announced plans to add an extra word to London street names, in an attempt to cope with the ever-increasing demand for addresses.

Mayor Ken Livingstone made the announcement at a recent press conference, and said that the strategy was proof that his administration is working for London.
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With the election looming large on the horizon, the Liberal Democrats have demanded to be lampooned by the comedy establishment in exactly the same way as the Labour and Tory parties.

Traditionally seen as a poor third in the political race, the Lib Dems believe that the failure of comedians, television and magazine to devote a proportional amount of time to ridiculing their party has contributed to poor election results in the past.
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Tony Blair’s latest innovation in government has been met with mixed reactions from senior ministers, Downing Street officials reported yesterday.

Under the new system, all cabinet members must remove their clothing, with the exception of socks, wristwatches and glasses, before attending their weekly meetings with the Prime Minister.
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Peter Mandelson, the former Northern Ireland Secretary who was forced to resign under a cloud last week following revelations of misconduct, has issued a public statement to the effect that he is innocent, and will find the real liar.

Mandelson was caught following a high-speed chase on the M1 involving up to fifteen Metropolitan police vehicles, including two helicopters. After crashing into the central reservation three miles south of Newport Pagnell services, the MP for Hartlepool offered Prime Minister Tony Blair his resignation, which was accepted.
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Conservative leader William Hague has called for the upcoming General Election to be conducted in a manner similar to last year’s United States Presidential race, in the hopes that a similar travesty of democracy will result. Hague, 27, who first came to the public eye in 1976 when he addressed the Tory Party conference at the tender age of three, claims that a political process based on sensationalist debates and endorsements from celebrities is necessary to ‘drag Britain kicking and screaming into the 21st century.’
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European officials in Brussels have announced controversial legislation intended to standardise masturbation practices across the Union. The new rules will affect all aspects of self-abuse, in an attempt to meet the needs of chicken-chokers Europe-wide, and will be enforced by a strict system of monitoring and penalties imposed for deviation from the standard.
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Recently, the people of Britain have complained about what is perceived as my greediness. I have received letters from several concerned voters, and others have stopped me in the street and demanded to know: “Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?”

Invariably, the questioner will then answer his own question: “You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies.”

And this, in essence, is true. I have eaten all the pies. Or rather, I have eaten as many pies as one man can safely eat. The other pies I am saving for later on, in my freezer.
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