Following several months of negotiations and a review by the Monopolies Commission, fast-food multinational McDonalds finalised their purchase of the entire world reserve of happiness yesterday afternoon.

A spokesman for the chain welcomed the deal, saying: “We at McDonalds have long been associated with happiness, and this new accord between the world’s favourite burger vendor and everyone’s favourite emotion serves only to strengthen our relationship.”
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To listen to the managing director of Merton Abbey Systems Ltd, a small company in the South West of London, bang on about it, anyone would think he ran a multinational corporation or something, staff reported on Monday.

Paul Ridger, 42, started out in 1996, supplying custom built PC systems to local businesses. Since then the total staff has risen to fourteen people, and the company has recently diversified into network installation and support. Ridger attributes this success to long-term strategy, planning, and investment in key technologies at precisely the critical moment, like he owned Cisco or something.
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A London stockbroker has blamed the collapse of several portfolios under his control on the loss of a spoon that he believes holds near-magical “lucky” properties.

Dermot Penhaligon, 29, looked for the stainless steel teaspoon in its usual place on Thursday morning, but could not find it. A quick survey of nearby colleagues revealed no further information about the cutlery’s whereabouts, and Penhaligon was forced to stir his Kenco Rappor coffee with an ordinary, common or garden, non-lucky spoon. He subsequently lost a total of £35 million for a variety of clients during that day’s trading.
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A man who repeatedly extolled the virtues of popular cold and flu remedy Lemsip was beaten to death last week by co-workers who said they had had enough of his ‘annoying, supercilious attitude’.
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The process of privatisation in Britain has been brought bang up to date with the sale of the previously nationalised Air Traffic Control service on popular web auction site eBay.

The Department Of Environment, Transport and Regions (DETR) chose eBay for the sale because “it is the most widely known and accessible site of its kind”, according to the Public Accounts Committee report.
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The latest addition to Mattel’s best-selling fashion doll range has caused near-riots in toy stores as children and collectors alike rush to pick up their very own Bulimic Barbie.

The 12″ poseable figure, which went on sale in British high streets yesterday, is the most recent of Mattel’s attempts to bring Barbie into the 21st century. Previous efforts have included Office Barbie, with a smart suit and little black briefcase, and Schoolteacher Barbie, complete with blackboard and bright, attentive little Pupil Shelley.

Overjoyed enthusiasts say the new doll, complete with a fridge full of ice cream, chocolate and cake, and her very own vanity unit, is the epitome of doll technology.
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The proposed merger between DIY superstore chain Homebase, and leading religious providers The Church Of England, has been approved by the Monopolies and Mergers Commission. Executives say that the union will be completed by the end of the second quarter of 2001.

The merger will bring together two of the countries leading Sunday traders into a single superpower, offering the convenience of all Consumers’ house and garden needs, as well as eternal salvation and life everlasting in the bosom of our Lord Jesus Christ, under one roof.
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Prostitute patronising Americaphiles in the North of England were rejoicing yesterday as the first ever British branch of US franchise operation CrackWhore™ opened in Moss Side, Manchester.

Proprietor Jay Moreton, known to associates as ‘J-Man’, proudly threw open the doors of the new premises, with the customary peeling wallpaper, mismatched furniture and burn-marked carpet, to show eager reporters around.
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A consortium of chickens has issued a series of writs against various other foodstuffs regarding what they term “the repeated and continuing infringement of our patented taste property.”

According to the writs, chickens filed for the patent on their “succulent, mouth-wateringly good” taste back in 1897. The patent application has since been held up following protests from turkeys, which claim that they taste fairly similar, and that to grant the exclusive taste-rights to chickens would constitute restriction of trade.
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Idiots across the country have bestowed praise upon law firm National Accident Claims Direct, who help them to get money in return for injuring, maiming and killing themselves.

Anthony P., of Bradford, said: “I picked up a large barrel of boiling tar and tipped it all down my chest, causing myself severe pain, and leaving permanent disfiguring scars. National Accident Claims Direct got me £4,125 in compensation from the barrel manufacturers, who had not placed a sign on the barrel clearly warning of the dangers of pouring boiling tar down your front.”
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