In a recent issue, we stated that Swindon is unfit for human habitation. Following several complaints, we now acknowledge that this is an opinion, not a fact. We would therefore ask all our readers to mentally prefix the sentence ‘Swindon has nothing to offer anybody, and would serve better as a radioactive crater warning future generations of man’s folly,’ with the words ‘We think’.

In a recent issue of Untitled Document we stated that Matthew Kelly is a type of melon. Following correspondence from Mr Kelly’s lawyers, we now acknowledge that this is incorrect. Canteloupe, Honeydew and Gala are all types of melon. Matthew Kelly is a television presenter.

We apologise for the confusion caused by this error, especially the attempt made by an Italian restaurant in Birmingham to slice Mr Kelly and wrap parma ham around him.

We should also use this opportunity to point out that Stars In Their Eyes does not contain subliminal messages promoting the use of crack cocaine.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jessica Fletcher out of Murder She Wrote, and to reassure all our readers that she is not the most prolific serial killer in history.

We acknowledge that the phenomenal number of murders that occur wherever she goes are purely coincidental, and that she does not use her skills as a writer of crime fiction to frame innocent people, thereby covering her evil trail.

We are very sorry for any distress our comments may have caused Ms Fletcher, although we stand by our request that she should avoid visiting UD Towers.

In Untitled Document last week we incorrectly attributed the fascist manifesto Mein Kampf to best-selling fantasy author Terry Pratchett. This was caused by an undetected error at time of going to press. Mein Kampf was in fact written by Hans Christian Andersen.

We would like to offer our apologies to both gentlemen for any confusion that may have arisen as a result of this error.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to record-breaking boy band Westlife, and to reassure all our readers that they did not arrange for several gallons of their own semen to be poured over the heads of hundreds of screaming teenage girl fans at a recent publicity appearance, before becoming enormously aroused and retiring to their dressing room to engage in mutual masturbation.

Furthermore, none of the bonny Irish lads have ever violated a pig in a city farm.

We apologise unreservedly to Westlife for any distress our comments may have caused them, their families or their legions of unthinkingly adoring fans.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to pop starlet Louise, and to point out to all our readers that she did not smuggle a 30 megaton nuclear warhead into her dressing room at Top Of The Pops which subsequently detonated, destroying a forty square mile area of West London.

Furthermore, Louise has never been caught shoplifting No7 cosmetics from the Lakeside branch of Boots the Chemist, and did not shoot a security guard in a mad dash for freedom which resulted in the deaths of eight other shoppers.

We apologise unreservedly to Louise for any distress our comments may have caused her, her family, or readers of FHM.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Guy Ritchie, one time film director and now full-time sexual partner of Madonna, and to reassure all our readers that he has never exchanged pleasantries with Peter Mandelson.

Furthermore, our statement that he raised the money needed to make Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels by posing as a British Gas meter reader and stealing biscuit tins full of cash from beneath the beds of elderly folk in Cardiff had no basis in fact whatsoever. To the best of our knowledge Mr Ritchie has never stolen anything from an old person’s house.

Once again, we offer our sincerest apologies to Mr Ritchie for any distress our inaccurate reporting may have caused him, his family, or the undisputed queen of pop.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the producers of Channel 4’s satirical comedy programme ‘The 11 O’Clock Show’ for stealing their idea of mocking celebrities under the guise of an apology. We are particularly sorry for appearing to have thought of it several months before they did, an unfortunate coincidence which we realise may make it seem to the uninitiated as though they nicked it. This is, of course, not the case, since the programme has the highest production values, as is obvious from the unmatchable quality of jokes and articles which they feature.

Once again, we apologise for any confusion that our thoughtless, pre-emptive theft of the 11 O’Clock Show’s idea may have caused.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to former Eastenders actress Patsy Palmer, and to remind all our readers that she is not a “minging felch-basket of the lowest order”. Furthermore, Miss Palmer’s excruciatingly common voice does not make us want to jam soldering irons in our ears rather than listen to her bang on about how hard it is to get some silly tart to grass up her boyfriend in a blatant and cynical attempt to boost her own popularity by latching on to some “worthy” campaign. And she doesn’t smell like a goat.

Mere words cannot hope to express the sorrow we feel at having besmirched the fragrant red-head’s reputation in this way, and we grovellingly beg her to forgive us. We are deeply, deeply sorry for any offence or pain that our deliberately hurtful comments may have caused Patsy, her family, or her legions of adoring fans.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to The Millennium Dome, and to point out to all our readers that it is not the largest collection of pointless tat ever assembled in one place in the history of mankind, nor a travesty that only a complete moron would ever have considered as a lasting memorial to our achievements of the last one thousand years.

Furthermore, our statement that over 75% of visitors to the Body Zone never emerged from the exhibit was, we now admit, untrue.

Untitled Document fully accept that we were behaving like sheep, or at least like men in sheepskin coats standing in a field going “Baa baa”. Readers are advised to drop everything, immediately, quit your jobs in fact, and buy enough tickets to go to the Dome every single day for the rest of the year.

See you there!