The Editor would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jonathan Ross, humourist, writer and presenter of Film 2001, and to assure all our readers that he had no part in sabotaging the Apollo 13 mission, thus endangering the lives of America’s finest space astronauts. A protracted legal exchange has revealed that Mr Ross is fully able to account for his whereabouts at the time when the oxygen canisters were loosened, an alibi which can be fully substantiated by his former maths teacher, Miss James.

We therefore fully acknowledge that Mr Ross was not a CIA operative at the time of the mission and offer our unreserved apologies for any inconvenience our story may have caused him, his family or David Baddiel.

Wendy Craig’s involvement in the matter remains open to question, and readers are urged to jump to their own conclusions.

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to you, and to assure all our readers that you’re not hiding in the bushes outside their homes waiting for them to turn their backs for one second so you can steal bras from their washing lines. This information, which we have since discovered to be false, was provided to us by your best friend, because he thought it was funny and hadn’t considered that your whole life may come crashing down as a result. Rest assured that we have sent copies of this apology to the police who arrested you, and that you should be out by the weekend.

Once again, we apologise unreservedly to you, your family, and your employers for any distress or missed deadlines our error may have caused.

By popular demand, Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Ffion Hague, and to reassure all our readers that she is not a devil woman. Our assertion, in a recent photo-spread, that Mrs Hague eats babies from prams while their mothers are not looking, was made due to poor research. We fully acknowledge that Mrs Hague does not eat human flesh of any age, neither for the purposes of pleasing Satan or because she likes the taste.

We can only offer our fullest and frankest apologies for any distress this misleading statement may have caused Mrs Hague, Mr Hague, or any women with prams who have seen Mrs Hague coming towards them and had an attack of the vapours.

An article carried in a recent issue of Untitled Document may have implied that South Bank Show presenter Melvyn Bragg carries an electric stun gun with him whilst walking in parks and other public spaces, which he uses to deliver violent and painful shocks to any dogs below two feet in height.

Mr Bragg assures us that this is not the case, and that he has nothing against man’s best friend, no matter how small.

We apologise to Mr Bragg for any distress our story may have caused him or people with dogs who have seen him in parks.

Last week, Untitled Document alleged that Craig Charles, presenter of Robot Wars and star of cult sci-fi comedy series Red Dwarf, will be appearing in panto this Christmas season in Hastings. Following urgent communications from both Mr Charles’ agent and the White Rock Theatre, Hastings, we understand that this is incorrect, and that no approach has been made by either party.

We hereby offer our apologies to Mr Charles for any distress this statement may have caused him, his agent, or the legions of fan-boys who believe that Dave Lister is a real person.

We also apologise to the people of Hastings for getting their hopes up there for a minute.

Last November Untitled Document accused Christopher Timothy, star of All Creature Great And Small and recent BBC daytime series Doctors, as well as narrator of popular docusoap Vets In Practice, of heresy. We now realise that these accusations were unfounded, and would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Mr Timothy, and to assure the Catholic Church that there is no evidence whatsoever to support our claims.

A recent Untitled Document article may have given some readers the impression that TV presenter Jamie Theakston routinely sets fire to Volvos. This allegation, we have subsequently discovered, has no basis in fact.

We therefore offer our sincerest apologies to Mr Theakston for any distress the article in question may have caused, and hope that he will find it in himself to forgive us, and maybe even send us his autograph.

In a recent feature, Untitled Document stated that hugely expensive artificial hip replacements enabled the user to perform all manner of manoeuvres including ballroom dancing, gardening and walking a flight of steps. Following the Queen Mother’s recent accident, we now acknowledge that this is obviously incorrect. We accept that the error was caused by a lack of research and an inference on the part of the author, in violation of basic journalistic principles.

We therefore offer our deepest apologies to the Queen Mother if our piece misled her, and in any way contributed to her injury.

Look out for our big feature next week, Jam Tarts Are Good For You.

It was suggested in a previous issue of Untitled Document that Anna Ryder-Richardson, star of television’s Changing Rooms and Girls On Top, is Carol Vorderman. Following correspondence from both personalities’ lawyers we now acknowledge that this is incorrect, and that Ryder-Richardson and Vorderman are two distinct people.

Furthermore, it has been requested that we point out that neither woman has a prosthetic nose used for smuggling diamonds across international borders. This information was provided to us by a source we now know to be both unreliable and, more often than not, drunk.

We apologise unreservedly to Ms Ryder-Richardson and Ms Vorderman for any distress our comments may have caused them, their families, or viewers of daytime television.

Recently Untitled Document claimed to have ‘had’ blonde bombshell and Charlie’s Angels star Cameron Diaz. This was not true. In fact, Untitled Document has never even met Ms Diaz, and, thanks to the court, never will.

Untitled Document freely admits that it was the beer talking, and that the very idea is, frankly, laughable.

We offer our sincere apologies for any distress our comments may have caused Ms Diaz, her family or her PR team.

Seriously, though, Cameron. How about it?