Following several months of negotiations and a review by the Monopolies Commission, fast-food multinational McDonalds finalised their purchase of the entire world reserve of happiness yesterday afternoon.

A spokesman for the chain welcomed the deal, saying: “We at McDonalds have long been associated with happiness, and this new accord between the world’s favourite burger vendor and everyone’s favourite emotion serves only to strengthen our relationship.”

He also denied that complete ownership of the positive feeling would in anyway constitute an unfair advantage over McDonalds’ competitors, including Burger King and, um, oh, Wendy’s.

Senior executives at McDonalds have been searching for a suitable emotion to invest in since 1989, when the Stock Market crash and subsequent recession caused a global downer, cutting heavily into restaurants’ profits. At one point the company was poised to stage a forced take-over of joy, which suffered considerably in the mid-90s after failing to compete with the bright, young dot-com stocks. Weeks before signing, joy rebounded as the tech markets levelled out, and pulled out of the deal.

Then it seemed that they would purchase lust, but were beaten to the tape by Coca Cola Schweppes, who stepped in with a deal believed to be worth over $1billion. McDonalds’ CEO later claimed that the company had never seriously pursued lust, for fear of compromising their all-important family image. CCS have since been testing Diet Lust on focus groups world-wide.

McDonalds plans for their newly purchased happiness are unclear at present. Maria Elerta, an assistant manager in the Brighton branch, told Untitled Document that no deliveries of happiness had been received or were expected.

“We thought we might get some in yesterday’s stock, but it was just all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and stuff again,” she said. “Maybe next week.”

Indeed, it seems that the marketing department may be the only ones who know what will become of the happiness. What is alleged to be a leaked memo, which has yet to be verified, bears the word “McHappiness?” in bubble-writing, alongside a particularly sinister doodle of Ronald McDonald doing something with a donut.