The General Election on Thursday may possibly provide as many as one in three Britons with a sense of control over the way in which their home country is run, a poll conducted for TV Quick magazine has revealed.

Of over three hundred people interviewed outside the Eastbourne branch of Pizza Hut, a total of 102 said they believed that their vote would make a difference to the future of British government, and would ultimately result in their interests being better represented in the Houses Of Parliament. A further eleven percent said they thought that they could maybe make a small difference by voting, but that they weren’t going to.

“I’m a Liberal Democrat supporter,” said one respondent, “but Labour have such a big majority in our constituency that it’s really not worth voting for anybody else. And it’s not just me - I know several hundred people who feel the same way.”

In terms of demographics, people in the 35-65 age range are most likely to feel that voting in the election is a worthwhile use of their time. Psychologist David Partridge, of The University of Sussex, suggests that this is one of the few remaining areas in life where people of this age do not feel disenfranchised.

“Once you reach 35, you’re effectively abandoned by the majority of advertisers,” Partridge explains. “Nobody seems to want you to drink Coca-Cola rather than Pepsi, nobody cares what kind of footwear you buy, and your choice of fragrance is of no interest. So when any kind of advertising campaign comes along which actually targets you directly, rather than through your media-saturated offspring, then naturally you’re going to respond while you get the chance.”

Partridge cites research showing that 18 to 24-year-old males will, when given a choice between a political establishment that is in tune with their wants and needs, and a Bud, almost universally opt for the light, refreshing taste of America’s favourite beer. Labour leaders have denied that their latest commercial, which features two geckos and a ferret repeating a popular catchphrase, is a cynical attempt to leverage this information in their own favour.

In spite of these revelations, the two major parties are still fighting the election with a level of vigour and vim that implies any change may happen in the status quo. Tony Blair yesterday insisted that nobody could predict until after the election exactly how big his majority would be, and Charles Kennedy continued his campaign to come second, which observers have described as “very British”.

But perhaps the sweetest story of all is William Hague, the doomed leader of the spoof “Conservative” party, who continues to insist that he is a viable prospect for Prime Minister despite his attachment to silly hats and his economic policy suggesting that he will provide free everything for everyone ever at a cost to the country of thruppence.

Comment: After much consideration, and for the first time in our history, Untitled Document has decided to lend its support to spoiling your ballot. If you’re not planning to vote on Thursday, don’t just sit at home and watch Eastenders - go to the polling station, hand over your card, get your ballot paper, and make a point. We suggest writing “No”, “No,” “Um… no” in the boxes, and “Re-open nominations” at the bottom. You can video Eastenders.