The much put-upon Foreign Office Minister Keith Vaz has issued a formal denial of everything ever, in alphabetical order.

Mr Vaz’s press office made the comprehensive document, which weighs in at somewhere over 30,000 closely typed pages, available to the media and other interested parties yesterday, as a pre-emptive move against any further allegations from tabloid newspapers and the Tory Party.

“The minister’s reputation and standing within the governmental community is further damaged with each new allegation,” explained a spokesman for Mr Vaz. “We hope that by categorically denying everything which of he could possibly be accused in advance, we can finally lay this whole witch-hunt to rest.”

In the document, Vaz claims to be innocent of involvement in all events since his birth, at which he was not present. He also states, for the record, that people might think he has something to do with things that happen in the future, but they’ll be wrong, because he won’t have done those either.

In a brief statement yesterday given at the Foreign Office, Mr Vaz told reporters: “I have been driven to this extreme measure by the frankly disgusting behaviour of certain members of the Tory Party. I have been hounded by the press and parliamentary investigators despite the fact that I have never, in my entire life, done a single thing wrong, and I have had enough. I would urge everybody, the next time they suspect me of anything, to refer to this indexed, cross-referenced denial before making any allegations of impropriety, dishonesty or negligence.”

“Or traffic offences,” he added.

However, many are not prepared to let Vaz off the hook so easily. Shadow Chancellor Michael Portillo, himself no stranger to the spotlight, spoke out on Newsnight.

“Methinks the minister doth protest too much,” he said, cleverly paraphrasing Shakespeare. “To me, denying his involvement in the Kennedy assassination without having been accused of it is a clear indication that, while he may not have been in Dallas on that fateful day thirty eight years ago, he almost certainly lent the cab fare to Lee Harvey Oswald. Or something.”

If Vaz’s move is successful, we can expect to see many more public figures following his lead. In fact a consortium of all female celebrities under the age of fifty are believed to be working on a combined document stating that they have no romantic involvement with radio DJ Chris Evans, and that they are “just friends”.