The laws governing use of the recreational drug cannabis are unlikely to be changed unless fans get their shit together and do something about it, a new report reveals.

The report, commissioned by a Commons Select Committee formed to look into a possible reform of what many regard as the draconian extant legislation, examined the activities of pro-legalisation campaigners over the past ten years and found them to be minimal at best.

“The very real problem for these people, or ‘pot-heads’ if you will, is that although their desire to be allowed to use what is essentially a relatively harmless drug is undeniable, their willingness to do a damn thing about it is lacking,” explained John Hargreaves, who assisted in the study.

“What we found was that while their planning skills were superb within the environment of a comfortable living room or bedsit, their ability to act rarely stretched to the making of simple beverages, much less the gathering of a petition or any kind of march.”

Pharmacologists point to the relaxant effect of the drug as a major cause of this inactivity.

“It’s ironic really, that the very effect that makes cannabis use a desirable pastime is the same effect that helps to keep it illegal,” said Dr Carl Ashton, of Salford University. “Smokers will postpone starting any kind of action until after they have smoked a fat one. However, following the smoking, they tend to watch cartoons or listen to records and forget their original plans.”

Other obstacles faced by those who would have cannabis decriminalised include a lack of funding caused by a tendency to spend available finances on the largest bags of weed possible, and the need for constant snacking and visits to convenience stores taking precedence over more productive uses of time.

Additionally, there is a lack of support for the cause in the places that matter.

“If more people in positions of authority used marijuana, then maybe there would be more hope,” says Hargreaves. “But then again, people who use marijuana tend not to gain positions of authority. It’s a kind of Catch-22.”

Dope users themselves acknowledge that there is a problem.

“It’s a problem, you know,” said Phil Kemp, of Bexhill-on-Sea. “We’ve come up with all sorts of ideas and shit, stuff that would really, really work, like make the government see that what they’re doing is so wrong, right, and we’ve even written the stuff down on bits of paper and put it in ring binders with different colours for different things and those little tabs and…”

Kemp then lost his train of thought.