Conservative leader William Hague has called for the upcoming General Election to be conducted in a manner similar to last year’s United States Presidential race, in the hopes that a similar travesty of democracy will result. Hague, 27, who first came to the public eye in 1976 when he addressed the Tory Party conference at the tender age of three, claims that a political process based on sensationalist debates and endorsements from celebrities is necessary to ‘drag Britain kicking and screaming into the 21st century.’

Addressing a meeting of wealthy half-wits at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Saturday, the wunderkind of the right wing said: ‘We must unite with a single purpose over the coming months. And that purpose is to defeat the Labour Party and take power for ourselves, to use to our own ends and the feathering of our own nests.’

After waiting for the Pavlovian applause of his champagne-drinking, cigar-smoking audience to subside, Hague continued: ‘To do this, we must look to the example of our friends across the pond. Do they concern themselves with matters of policy, or political experience, when electing a leader? No! They have an out and out popularity contest where the candidate with the highest-quality television advertising and the best comic timing scrapes to victory with a smaller share of the popular vote than his opponent. And that, my friends, is the kind of election that I can win!’

Other US-led innovations that Hague hopes can be used in Britain include televised ‘man-to-man’ debates, in which he and Blair trade insults and score points off each other without ever saying anything relevant or worthwhile; complicated voting forms and machines which the traditionally Labour-supporting unskilled classes will neither understand or be able to use correctly; and draconian legislation which will indirectly prevent citizens from ethnic minorities from participating in the democratic process.

Critics and supporters alike say that Hague is desperately clutching at the only straw likely to secure the Tories anything resembling a victory this May. Current polls show Labour with a clear lead, a position which is unlikely to be affected by anything less than a combination of outrageous political posturing, and subliminal advertising.

If Hague gets his way, the electorate can look forward to potentially the most entertaining election in British history, as each party scrambles to garner support from pop stars, soap actors and other media darlings. The Tories have already secured the support of Tomb Raider sprite Lara Croft, whose independent, go-get-’em antics they say represent the spirit of the party perfectly.

Hague also made no secret of his plans to use the pathological attachment of many Britons to the word ‘pound’ as an emotive weapon.

‘There are literally thousands of idiots in this country with absolutely no grasp of international economic principles whatsoever who will, nonetheless, blindly vote for anyone who panders to their baser jingoistic instincts with simply-worded rhetoric and hyperbole. To these people I say “Don’t let Tony give your pound away!”‘

Although Labour has yet to announce its official response to Hague’s call, Tony Blair issued a brief statement to the effect that he is ‘ready, willing and able to fight that kind of election’, along with a selection of glossy colour 8″x10″ photographs of himself and Cherie with little baby Leo.