In a recent feature, Untitled Document stated that hugely expensive artificial hip replacements enabled the user to perform all manner of manoeuvres including ballroom dancing, gardening and walking a flight of steps. Following the Queen Mother’s recent accident, we now acknowledge that this is obviously incorrect. We accept that the error was caused by a lack of research and an inference on the part of the author, in violation of basic journalistic principles.

We therefore offer our deepest apologies to the Queen Mother if our piece misled her, and in any way contributed to her injury.

Look out for our big feature next week, Jam Tarts Are Good For You.