European officials in Brussels have announced controversial legislation intended to standardise masturbation practices across the Union. The new rules will affect all aspects of self-abuse, in an attempt to meet the needs of chicken-chokers Europe-wide, and will be enforced by a strict system of monitoring and penalties imposed for deviation from the standard.

Addressing a press conference at the Hilton hotel in the Belgian capital, Jaques Ferreau, of Lyons, France, said: ‘If Europe is ever to function correctly as a united state, we must strive for greater symbiosis between the peoples of our nations. Our experts estimate that, at any given moment, over eighteen hundred European citizens are manipulating themselves to le petit mort, in hundreds of different ways. This will not do.’

Using a variety of visual aids including projected PowerPoint slides, flipcharts, and blow-ups from magazines such as Barely Legal and Horny Young Sluts, Ferreau explained the impact of the legislation on most adolescent boys’ favourite pastime.

The rate, rhythm and intensity of strokes are to be limited within a strict percentile, allowing the masturbator a maximum of 120 up-down motions in which to achieve self-satisfaction. If these strokes are performed at the correct rate, the entire process should take between three and four minutes, assuming a flaccid state at commencement.

External stimuli is to take the form of pornographic material intended specifically for the purpose, subject to a new rating system which will be implemented by agencies within member states. This is seen as one of the more unacceptable measures by British representatives in Brussels, effectively banning as it does the use of the underwear section of mail order catalogues.

‘Who among us has not sneaked that thousand page volume up to our rooms at least a few times in our early teens, to admire those young ladies in their lacy, satiny finery as we beat our meat?’ demanded George Reid, Euro MP for Bristol. ‘To deny that to our children is to deny them their heritage, if not their God-given right.’

But supporters of the legislation insist that the ruling will prevent the serious psycho-sexual trauma experienced by many upon reaching the point of no return at the same moment as turning to the over-50s’ girdle section.

Ferreau has also suggested that fantasy be regulated, and that European visitors to Mrs Palm and her five daughters be required to imagine themselves in flagrante delicto only with European glamour icons. Those who took inspiration from further afield could be liable to a fine of €10,000 (around £3,300) and up to six months imprisonment.

‘Why should we picture foreigners from the United States and so forth, when there are so many desirable women within our glorious Union?’ he asked. ‘Speaking purely for France, we have given you Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve and Vanessa Paradis, to name but three little vixens with whom I have whiled away the long nights.’

This last seems to be the major sticking point of the legislation, largely due to the syndication of top American shows like Baywatch and Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which are shown across Europe in thirteen different languages. Many are thought to be unwilling to trade their carefully constructed images of Pamela Anderson or Charisma Carpenter for their less famous Euro-counterparts.

‘Basically, if that clause stays in, we’ll have an entire continent fixated on Claudia Schiffer, which would be very unhealthy,’ said Reid. ‘Apart from anything else, everyone would drive Citroens.’