A consortium of television providers including British Sky Broadcasting, ONDigital and NTL have announced that the revolution, when it comes, will be available to subscribers on a pay-per-view basis.

The statement ends years of speculation regarding not only how, but whether, the revolution will, in fact, be televised.

‘We have a responsibility to our subscribers to ensure that the revolution, whenever it occurs, is given the maximum possible coverage,’ said Elizabeth Murdoch, chief executive of BSkyB. ‘In order to do this, we can confirm that a small charge will be levied to those who wish to watch in the comfort of their own homes.’

Murdoch, who will be one of the first up against the wall when the glorious day arrives, pointed out that people could receive a £2.95 discount off the £16.95 standard price if they ordered the revolution at least forty-eight hours before it started.

‘Get your orders in now,’ she advised.

Terrestrial providers have previously stated that their commitment to the government would prevent them from showing the revolution. Greg Dyke reaffirmed this at the weekend.

‘The BBC have a remit to provide a wide range of programming, which appeals to all sections of the community,’ he read from a prepared statement. ‘The revolution will, almost certainly, be of interest mainly to the proletariat. We will therefore proceed with a class-neutral selection of programmes which has not yet been finalised, but which will almost certainly include classic episodes of “One Foot In The Grave”.’

Dyke conceded that highlights of the revolution might be made available on BBC News 24, if it is a slow week.

ITV bosses, meanwhile, have commissioned a series of programmes to be broadcast on a regional basis, including ‘How To Form A Firing Squad’ for the largely working class Northern regions, and ‘How To Escape From A Firing Squad’ for those in the South, including Carlton and Meridian.

Those without access to digital television services need not worry, since breweries have announced that the revolution will be made freely available on large screens hanging from the ceiling in all major branches.

‘Why not get together with friends and family, and enjoy the revolution with a pint of beer and a selection of hot and cold bar snacks?’ suggested Ed Moreau, of the Whitbread Group. ‘Our pubs are renowned for their friendly atmosphere, so where better to watch the bourgeoisie get theirs?’

And, once the revolution is over and a new order has established itself, with each according to their abilities providing for each according to their needs, buffs will be able to purchase a box set from distributors VVL.

Announcing the deal today, a spokesman said the collection would be available on both VHS and DVD, featuring the classic moments from the TV coverage, as well as ‘Revolution: Unseen’ featuring executions and looting deemed ‘Too Hot For TV’.