The website interface to the nuclear arsenal of the USA is to be completely re-written from scratch following an assessment by usability guru Jakob Nielsen last week.

Nielsen identified several glaring errors in the fundamental design of the site which, he says, may have prevented full-on global thermonuclear war from breaking out on more than one occasion.

The US Defense (sic) Department paid $4,500 per day for the consultancy, which took just one week. Among the problems identified were:

Non-intuitive icon based interface, with insufficient explanation of the meanings of the different symbols.

Use of frames, which are not supported by browsers prior to version 3.0

An over-long Flash intro movie with no ‘Skip’ capability

Bloated HTML code and unoptimised GIF and JPEG graphics, slowing the download of the page, particularly for Presidents with 56K modems.

But by far the worst crime committed by the designers is, says Nielsen, “the fact that it currently takes seven clicks to launch an all-out nuclear attack on an enemy nation. I mean, who the hell designed this thing anyway? An infinite number of monkeys? Have they never heard of the Three Click Rule? I honestly thought I’d put an end to this kind of idiocy when I published Designing Website Usability, but apparently I needn’t have bothered.”

The “Three Click Rule” states that all relevant parts of a website should be accessible within three mouse-clicks of the home-page. If more clicks than this are required, there is a very real danger that the average President of the United States Of America may lose interest, and call off the impending Armageddon, maybe deciding to check today’s Doodie instead.

“I dread to think how many potential strikes have been lost through this simple, easily-avoidable mistake,” moans Nielsen. “Just a simple jump-menu to allow the President to skip straight to the launch page would suffice.”

The company responsible for the site, Funky Frootloop Designs, Inc., have defended what they call their “innovative, cutting-edge” site.

“The problem with this Nielsen dude is that he’s stuck in 1997, guy,” says Jon Latham, Creative Director at Frootloop. “Jump-menus are so dull. Functional design is important, yeah, but we wanted to create an experience that would draw the President in, an interactive process that actually makes him want to participate in a process that would almost certainly result in the annihilation of all life on Earth.”

“Except cockroaches,” interjects Flash expert Mike Hoepke.

“Yeah, except cockroaches,” agrees Latham. “What you’ve got to understand is that, key to the whole Frootloop ethic is that each project we undertake should push the boundaries of the web that little bit further. We have to embrace new technologies like Flash and Beatnik, and come up with innovative uses for them, to enhance the nuclear launch process.”

Hoepke explains: “Studies have shown that, while the President may abort a nuclear attack because of the imprecise nature of the interface, the site is more likely to stick in his mind if the Flash intro movie has sufficient impact. This increases the chance that he will return to the site at a later date, and quite possibly destroy every living thing on the face of the planet on one of those subsequent visits.”

“Except cockroaches,” he finishes.