Hello Sherri,

I hope this is your email. I received some inside information from Garry Lompard (General Instruments INC). Buy CRSVF.

CRSVF is going to explode. Don’t tell anybody about this opportunity.

Alert: Tuesday, September 19, 2006

________________________________
Company: CAPITAL RES CANADA LTD
Ticker: CRSVF
Current Price: $0.25
Target Price: $2.42
Recommendation: STRONG-BUY

Buy: “STRONG”

Expectations: Max
________________________________

When this Stock moves - WATCH OUT! This is your chance to get in the low. Out CRSVF on your radar’s now and reap the benefits early.

John, you can also look the latest news for CRSVF. Don’t invest more then 100000$ at once. Better invest 10000$ each trading day. After first day you will see a significant increasement of the stock price and volume.

Don’t waste that opportunity. Make a right decision now. I can spell the stock symbol for you. C R S V F

Waiting for your response

Sincerely,
Bob Gillahan

This is excellent spam. They start out with the highly credible claim that they’ve just slightly mis-spelled the e-mail address of somebody called Sherri — and why shouldn’t Sherri have an address which is only a slight typo away from mark.rendle@thecompanyiworkfor.com? Then they name-check Garry Lompard, whom I’ve never heard of, but I have no reason to doubt he is anything but an expert in his field, which appears to be something to do with instruments. Any inside information he’s giving out is bound to be good.

I was a bit fuzzy on the next bit, where they tell me to buy stock in a company which is going to explode, until I realised they meant “explode” in the “become extremely valuable on the public stock exchange” sense and not the “burst violently as a result of internal pressure” sense.

But then they really draw me into their web, by telling me not to tell anybody about this opportunity. Up to that point, I may have suspected that a copy of this e-mail was being sent to upwards of a million people, but now I know it’s just for this Sherri person. I feel kind of bad for her, missing out on this, but probably next time Bob sends her a stock tip he’ll get the address right, so she’ll be OK in the end.

I don’t know what “Out CRSVF on your radar’s now” means. It’s probably some sort of stock market technical jargon or something. I expect if I phoned my broker, or if I got myself a broker and then phoned him and told him to out CRSVF on my radar’s, he’d know what to do.

Sherri appears to know somebody called John who might read her e-mail, or she might pass the message on. Or maybe Sherri is John, except for weekends and special evenings, and Bob knows him/her from a particular club or something.

The precise investment advice is very nice, too. It’s probably because this is technically insider trading, so any unusual activity on the market will be noticed, and could get Bob and Garry in trouble. Maybe even me, if this e-mail could be tracked, although I could use the fact that I’m not a transvestite called John/Sherri as plausible denial.

I don’t think I will respond to Bob, though, just in case. There might not be that much stock in CRSVF to go round; I don’t want to share it with John/Sherri. He’d only spend the increasement on makeup and rubber breasts anyway.

I am currently importing all the old Untitled Document articles into the database. When I’ve done that, I’ll probably write some new ones, although hopefully less of the third-rate Onion rip-offs.

A DIY Guide For Asylum Seekers

Boy, it’s hard to escape from violent, tyrannical regimes into Britain today, isn’t it? Razor-wire fences and vicious guard dogs patrolling the entrance to the Channel Tunnel, and poorly ventilated lorries causing no end of problems for those favouring the ferries have made it harder than ever before for genuine refugees to sneak into Europe’s richest, most luxurious country and make a valid claim for political asylum.

With this in mind, Untitled Document are pleased to present this guide to re-creating the look and feel of this green and pleasant land anywhere in the world*.
(more…)

The Editor would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jonathan Ross, humourist, writer and presenter of Film 2001, and to assure all our readers that he had no part in sabotaging the Apollo 13 mission, thus endangering the lives of America’s finest space astronauts. A protracted legal exchange has revealed that Mr Ross is fully able to account for his whereabouts at the time when the oxygen canisters were loosened, an alibi which can be fully substantiated by his former maths teacher, Miss James.

We therefore fully acknowledge that Mr Ross was not a CIA operative at the time of the mission and offer our unreserved apologies for any inconvenience our story may have caused him, his family or David Baddiel.

Wendy Craig’s involvement in the matter remains open to question, and readers are urged to jump to their own conclusions.

Lady Thatcher, the former British Prime Minister and holder of the world handbag record, has unveiled the latest in a succession of robots that scary scientists have created to replace her and demanded that it be allowed late entry into the Tory leadership race.
(more…)

Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to you, and to assure all our readers that you’re not hiding in the bushes outside their homes waiting for them to turn their backs for one second so you can steal bras from their washing lines. This information, which we have since discovered to be false, was provided to us by your best friend, because he thought it was funny and hadn’t considered that your whole life may come crashing down as a result. Rest assured that we have sent copies of this apology to the police who arrested you, and that you should be out by the weekend.

Once again, we apologise unreservedly to you, your family, and your employers for any distress or missed deadlines our error may have caused.

For more than the hundredth time in as many years, the quiet south-western county of Cornwall has not been subjected to a terrifying barrage of seismic tremors causing unprecedented property damage and human tragedy.
(more…)

The Sun was created on the fourth day, at the same time as the moon and the stars, and the day after plants and sea-life. Several billion 500-watt daylight lamps were used to keep the plants and sea-life alive for the twenty-four hours in-between these two events. Two days after creating the Sun, God created man, but man did not create Hawaiian Tropic SPF30 lotion for several thousand years and often burned quite badly in the summer, or dropped dead of skin cancer without really knowing why.
(more…)

By popular demand, Untitled Document would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Ffion Hague, and to reassure all our readers that she is not a devil woman. Our assertion, in a recent photo-spread, that Mrs Hague eats babies from prams while their mothers are not looking, was made due to poor research. We fully acknowledge that Mrs Hague does not eat human flesh of any age, neither for the purposes of pleasing Satan or because she likes the taste.

We can only offer our fullest and frankest apologies for any distress this misleading statement may have caused Mrs Hague, Mr Hague, or any women with prams who have seen Mrs Hague coming towards them and had an attack of the vapours.